Guilt

My son, Henry (aka "Hank")...I took this the other day when he was in a very alert mood...and I like it so he is my star photo today!

Quote of My Day

"We shall find peace. We shall hear the angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds."
~Anton Chekhov

My Happiness Today

I feel peaceful this morning. I am not sleep-deprived or bitchy. My sky isn't sparkling with diamonds--just clouds and rain--but I can hear one little angel cooing on his playmat at my feet and another one will soon be screaming to get out of his crib any minute. And all of this makes me happy...

On My Mind

Lately I've been ripped apart with feelings of guilt. Guilt for having a second son and making my first son jealous. I know this is a normal phase for Sam to be going through but that doesn't make it any less heart-breaking for me. Friends of mine who have children similar in age difference have tried to make me feel better by telling me that all this will change and soon they will be friends. But somehow I can't see that happening, at least not for several years. The minute Hank is able to grab and run with Sam's cars and trucks there will be a war in this house. I just know it. And to think, I'm crying and upset over Sam ignoring him. Wait until he throws things at him on a regular basis (he has already started that so we keep the large fleet of vehicles like the garbage truck, fire truck, etc. out of the throwing zone when Hank is around), and I will be on anti-anxiety medicine. Part of the guilt is feeling that by feeling guilty I don't love Hank as much as Sam. But I know that is not true. Having two kids so close in age is tough physically, mentally and emotionally. I just never knew it would be this tough. So that is what is on my mind today. I am missing cuddles with Sam in bed watching Sesame Street every morning--something we used to do every day until Hank came along. I'm missing walks to the playground--taking an infant out in the cold weather isn't in the plan. Yesterday we had a family day and went to visit a train exhibit (total bust as the place was too small for the trains and the zillion kids there to see it) and a local playground that is Sam's favorite. What a joy it was to watch Sam take on the playground and go down the slide and laugh. He got to feed the ducks, one of this favorite things to do, and of course he had my husband on the move trying to keep him from jumping in the creek after the ducks. He got all excited with the skateboarders and kids riding their bmx bikes in the skate park. He could have stood there all day and watched that display. So even though yesterday was great and Sam had a blast, it left me with feelings of guilt because days like that can only happen when someone can go with me or stay at home with Hank. I wish I could give that happiness to Sam everyday and I can't because I have another child whose needs outweigh Sam's at the moment. I know this is just something I must tackle as a mother and learn to deal with but I'm having a hard time with it and the holiday season will either make it better or worse. We already know that any present Hank gets will be Sam's at least in his mind. So the holidays will really be a test for me and my emotions. Being that I am such an emotional person, let's hope for the best.

Funny Video of the Day

You can't beat SNL for holiday humor...