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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Fear or Courage?

Blog under construction----it is a mess today!

Yep, that's me...I'm participating in the "40 Days of Scrapping Purpose" at Divine Digitals. This is the first day, so this is my first layout. It is to be all about me....so if you know me, don't know me, or even don't care to know me, this page tells a lot about who I am and who I am not. ps. I'm the adult in the layout!

Quote of My Day:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." --Ambrose Redmoon

My Happiness Today:

I was sitting at the Kind Cafe, my local coffee house where I sit and brew up all my scrap pages and work on my digital photos, and they were playing a satellite radio station that brought back a lot of memories. I heard songs from my past. Here I was in the middle of small town USA and I hear the Smiths "Big Mouth" song playing in the background. It took me back to my younger days--I actually saw the Smiths in concert when that song was popular. It was at the Syria Mosque in Pittsburgh, the same place I saw REM, another band I heard today singing yet another song from my past, "Don't Go Back to Rockville." And then the music drifted to Devo and "Whip It" and I fell back into my past and was reminded of friends I no longer keep in touch with and fun times I had during those marvolous late 80s. For a moment or two, I wasn't a 40 year old mother who is sleep deprived, bitchy and tired of reading "Cars, Trucks and Everything that Goes" by Richard Scary a million times to my son. So that was my happiness today. I got in touch with my past while sitting in the present drinking a great cup of coffee and watching the world go by.

On My Mind

Fear. As a mother, it can be all-consuming. My son falls down and goes boom. I fear a head injury. My son starts coughing. I fear a chest cold. My son dives out of his crib. I fear broken limbs, a concussion and a trip to the emergency room. These are just a few examples of the fear that I have taken on as a mother. I always thought I would be the mother who wouldn't constantly worry and fear for her child. But I guess I can' t argue with human nature and I can't help but be fearful of things concering my boys. I guess what I am learning now, especially since I have two little ones to depend on me, is that I need to have the courage to be the mom they need me to be. I need to let go of the fears that consume me at times and keep me awake with worry. When my boys were newborns I did the thing probably just about every mother does--watch their chest while their sleeping to make sure they are breathing. Now that they are getting older, with each milestone they reach I reach another chapter in the book I call "Fears, Trials and Tribulations." I know that I will never be the perfect mother. I will, and have, made mistakes. Yesterday for dinner my son had Cheezits and applesauce. Not the healthy meal my mother would approve of, but hey, I got him to eat and feed himself the applesauce with a spoon. And the dogs enjoyed the Cheezits. So when all was said and done, I was happy with that meal. But this fear that consumes me--that I'll be a bad mother and my child will get hurt on my watch because of something I did or didn't do--I have to somehow find the courage to overcome that. So what is more important than fear if I am going to somehow find this courage I need? That's easy, my boys and my husband. For them I need to let it go. So tomorrow, I will begin the task of conquering my fear. And if it is cheezits and peanut butter for dinner, so be it. He's healthy, he won't starve. As my husband constantly tells me, "It is what it is." That's going to become my mantra.

Here are some of my latest digital scrapbook pages. I've been really busy getting ready for my show so I haven't had a lot of time, but these are a few I got finished and like enough to share:

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